"Standard application to date my daughter"

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

• NAME: 
• DATE OF BIRTH:
• HEIGHT:
• WEIGHT:
• IQ:
• GPAv
• SOCIAL SECURITY #:
• DRIVERS LICENSE #:
• BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES:
• HOME ADDRESS:
• CITY/STATE/ZIP:
• Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?:
• If NO, explain:
• Number of years married:
• If less than your age, explain:
• Do you own a van?
• A truck with oversized tires?
• A waterbed?
• A pickup with a mattress in the back?
• A condom?
• Pornography?
• Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?
• A tattoo? (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES): 
• In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? :
• In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? :
• In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? :
• Church you attend:
• How often you attend:
• When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?:
  
  Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER) 

1. : If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be :
2. : If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my :
3. : A woman's place is in the :
4. : The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is :
5. : When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is :
   NOTE: if answer 5 begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. 

• What do you want to do IF you grow up:
• What is the current going rate of a hotel room?:
• Condoms come in
  A: 3
  B: 6
  C: 9
  D: 12
  E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE (circle one)
  
  
  I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. 
  
  
  ___________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name moron)
  
  Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).